August '98

As the world Churns
The official BBS of Amish Rake Fight on the DALnet

Churn out a Post?

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 01, 1998 at 11:32:19 (PDT)

I think its only fitting that I get to post first. I am feeling left out, with the big bash and all. This may just make up for it. : )
Actually I hope everyone has a great time. Make sure that more than one person is taking pictures. We need cams set up in every corner of each room so I can watch from a far. *sigh*

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 01, 1998 at 14:32:22 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

It's never a bad thing being second to Frac.  As a matter of fact, I find it pretty exciting.
Actually, ARF's been on my mind a bit more lately and I've beenneglecting other hobbies, justto spend a bit more time in the channel.  I do have to be carefuland watch my twisted sense of humor, because some folks can get a bit moody.  We always seem to work it out however.  I'mreally looking forward to meeting Sli, Doc and the gang at Rakefest.   I'll be sure to bring my camera.  
There is just no substitute for real life, now is there? 

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 01, 1998 at 16:52:33 (PDT)

AH MAN! I forgot it was the begining of a whole new month! Can't wait till RAKEFEST!!!!

Thank You


A Butter Patty from: 8)
on Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 00:24:07 (PDT)

Has anyone seen my marbles??


A Butter Patty from: ernie_pook
on Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 19:54:08 (PDT)

mmm. butter.

A Butter Patty from: ernie_pook
on Sunday, August 02, 1998 at 23:37:27 (PDT)

to sli: thank you ever so much for making my stay with #amish_rake_fight so enjoyable. really. being kicked over ten times and then being banned for absolutly no reason what so ever was, i have to say, one of the best experiences of my life. also, thank you for confiscating my ops, insulting me, and being an all around lovable person. you are to be admired. sincerly, ernie_pook

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 00:43:28 (PDT)

I try...goddess knows I try...
BTW ernie dear..... check this page out

a page just for you
Her Royal SLi-ness

A Butter Patty from: ernie_pook
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 01:22:29 (PDT)

enjoy checking your mail, sli. ;)

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 05:51:32 (PDT)

Ok....I will, just as long as you enjoy trying to use that lame nick...
gee wonder who could have registered it???
/sound ~bitch2.wav
Love Ya

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 09:36:54 (PDT)

WOW!!! It seems that SLi is getting a bit testy before Rakefest. Take a cold shower or something!!! LOL He will be there soon enough.

What are you the royal SLiness of anyway???

Hey raven.....look at me, I'm flying!

Well, enough wasting my time with you peoples, I gotta go back to work!

btw, I still like you ernie!

His Royal Hempness

A Butter Patty from: luna2
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 13:19:19 (PDT)

Can't we just all get along?????

Thank You,


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 03, 1998 at 19:16:29 (PDT)

Yeah. Look how nice I've been to YOU lately Luna!!! :)

A Butter Patty from: AllHailBrak
on Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 06:59:59 (PDT)

I just dropped in on my search for religious sites and found the RakeFight. It's the first site I've ever been to that I felt I had to post something. Ever.

I have a couple of comments...

Sli - This is in no way intended to criticize, but I was curious about that page "just for you" that you I opened it. I am sitting on a several hundred watt demonstration sound system here at work and blew about four people away with a raucous chorus of you-know-what's. Holy shnike, I wet myself.

Royal Hempness, anyone who has a pic of Brak has my respect. Congrats.

You guys are truly wiggin.

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 18:57:45 (PDT)

I am beaming with pride.

A Butter Patty from: super_atomic_astro_boy
on Tuesday, August 04, 1998 at 19:16:29 (PDT)

i really dont know what your problem is sli. seriously. everytime your not in the room i seem to get ops, and everytime you are, i get banned. maybe while docs at your house, you can bend over and have him remove the GIANT STICK youve got shoved up your ass. unless thats not a stick... ;p

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 06:12:31 (PDT)

Happy Rakefest to those of you who made it!!!

In honor of the rakefest, I did clean out all of the sticky magazines under the sink, so for those of you who were avoiding visiting me down there because of them, my doors are open.


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 09:36:00 (PDT)

you know fracy... i think that we should have a rakefest in the west or somethin. i know that i am feelin a little left out.... as well as realizing how broke i am. that and i am not willing to drive across the country AGAIN. no airconditioning on those trips REALLY kill ya. anyway... just a thought. happy rakefest to all you lucky bastards.
that is all.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 09:37:24 (PDT)

btw sli.... hope you are doin better...sheesh.
that is all.

A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Wednesday, August 05, 1998 at 20:44:37 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I keep searching the covers of tabloid magazines like the Enquirer and the (Ken) Starr at the market, and I haven't seen Amishpalooza mentioned yet. You obviously are not partying hardy enough, although you might have made the local papers and we just haven't heard it out west yet.

In honor of the Burning Man festival, I think you should burn a churn in effigy. You could dance naked around the flames, chanting "churn, baby, churn!" or something. Better yet, somebody tape it and send it to

Linda's Trip
Washington, DC

P.S.; don't throw away any semen-stained clothing, it may come in handy...

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 09:00:45 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Needless to say, being an active participant in the first annual Rakefest was a real blast.  It was really great meeting everyone... at least I THINK it was great.  To be totally frank, I simply recall nothing after I finished my seventh okra daquari about a half hour from my supposed arrival at Sli's place.  I do hope that I was at the right apartment, because everyone seemed very friendly... or at least I guess they were, since I have no unusual soreness or visible bruising.  How do I know I was even there, you may ask.  Well, I'm a bit embarassed to admit that, while partaking in my "morning ritual", I passed this object- not without a certain amount of discomfort, I might add.  If anyone has any first hand knowlege of how this particular object may have entered my digestive tract, I'd like to ask you to please step forward and ease my mind.  Thanks again to everyone for their hospitality and if there was a any significant property damage, please advise.

A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 15:39:16 (PDT)

Oh God, has anyone seen my pants?
For the love of God who has my pants!!!

I'm sober NOW

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 17:59:02 (PDT)

Shocko bud,
You really don't remember Puffy taking your pants home with her? It was right after our impromptu game of table tennis, which of course ended when the ball mysteriously disappeared. I lost SLi's lighter too, if it makes you feel any better. Also, I'mm missing two pair of nut-hugger underwear, so you guys keep an eye out for those.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 20:17:01 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

I wonder what marketing genius created that annoying little banner that pops up and gets in the way whenever you load a particular page... a good example being "Geocities Member's Web Pages". I'm constantly having to "X" the dumb things out. It bugs me almost as much as when a line is busy and you get the recording that says something to the effect that "for only seventy-five cents, the phone company will alert you when it's available and dial it for you". I'll never be that rich or lazy. While I'm on the subject, do you guys get those calls from the phone company asking "to speak to the person responsible for your telephone account"? Then they want to know how much you're paying per minute. I always tell em... "Hey, I'm your valued customer, you tell ME who is responsible the account and how much you're charging me." The fact is, they aren't even employees of the phone company. They're just lowlife scum telemarketers with a customer record printout. Sometimes it's a good idea to go ahead and assist in time management in their next dead-end job by informing them that you have no carpet to be cleaned and you already have an alarm system. After all, who would be dumb enough to admit that they DON'T have an alarm system when a stranger calls and asks. I guess it's the same people that put their actual email address on their IRC info and their home address, phone number, etc.. on their ICQ "details". Well time to churn this puppy and get over to dalnet to cheer some people up.

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 21:12:31 (PDT)

My run down of what i thought of everyone at rakefest:

Sli : The hostess with the mostest!
Doc: Wears socks and sandals well
Ezra: Master of the camera
Puff: Wee'r than me!!
S}{0CK : Manly!
Richie: Stole my heart!
Sharky: Drunken Queen
Dave: Dave

OVERALL IMPRESSION: What a bunch of sweet people!

Can't wait till the next time we meet : )

THANKS AGAIN SLI for having us!

SLi and Puff's kids: very quiet. or could it be we were too loud?

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 06, 1998 at 22:27:53 (PDT)

Its the gotee,
chicks dig the gotee


A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Saturday, August 08, 1998 at 09:49:35 (PDT)

It's me again. I have yet another confession to make. I am deeply smitten with one S}{0CK. Oh yes..say what you's night I gaze at the stars, thinking of his smile, wondering how I can make my way to him. I have NEVER been drawn (mainly physically) to any man the way I am drawn to S}{0CK. Call it whimsical, call it lust,..I have just come here to say "YES! I AM DRUNK WITH DESIRE! AND THE CHEAP RUM I DRINK IS S}{0CK!" I imagine myself running my hand through his raven black hair...err...wait a minute...SCOTTY is S}{OCK??? No...really? Then who was the guy with the...OHHH...heh heh...


Never mind.

(heh heh heh. SHAFTED! But i still secretly love you Sir Scott. BIG SMOOCH!)

A Butter Patty from: S}{0CK
on Sunday, August 09, 1998 at 00:37:45 (PDT)

It's the gotee AND the Mustang,
Chicks dig the gotee and the Mustang.


A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 09, 1998 at 19:57:23 (PDT)

Have I mentioned how I hate the Smashing Pumpkins????

Thank You


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 10, 1998 at 00:33:06 (PDT)

Dear Luna,
  It has come to my attention that you do not like Smashing Pumpkins.
Well, I have this to share with you, if you did not smash pumpkins, how would we get that delicious Luna Pumpkin Pie that people in these parts have been DEMANDING since RakeFest '98? A word of advice, continue smashing pumpkins, or at the very least, have Wren do it. I hear she LOVES Smashing Pumpkins.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 10, 1998 at 21:28:44 (PDT)

I realize that this churn is over-due to say the least, and I apologize. I would like to thank everyone that made it to RakeFest 98. What a wonderful bunch of ppl... I will never forget the fun and laughs we all shared that day. You all helped to make the best week of my life more memorable, and Im so glad that you all were there to share it with us. There are too many great memories to put into some sort of "highlights" post...I treasure them all.
To those of you who couldnt make it believe me you were in our thoughts and we missed you.
Thanks again and thanks to everyone who has been there with a virtual hug lately...Ive needed them.
Im gettin kinda sappy and sentimental...hate to mess up my image....giggles so Ill just finish by saying that I feel truly blessed to have friends as wonderful as you all and I love you guys.

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 10, 1998 at 21:35:16 (PDT)

That's all fine and good Sli,
But my pants STILL haven't been returned,
and I think I'm pregnant.


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 11, 1998 at 11:14:43 (PDT)

Puffy wont give the pants up and Im afraid that youll prolly have to get a parenity test to determine which of us is the mother....none of us will confess. : )

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 11, 1998 at 11:15:35 (PDT)

Has anyone else noticed that since Doc left my spelling really sucks?????????

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 11, 1998 at 16:26:20 (PDT)

Okay Scott! I will fedex you the damn pants back. I just wanted them as a momento. Sharky, I don't think he remembers the "game" we played. Just don't admit to anything and maybe we will avoid the child support issue.

A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 15:45:55 (PDT)

I saw the pictures from the Rakefest :) Luna the only person there? lol Oh, my little photogenic chiquita banana! And i can just here the motivation "Ok, gimmee hate!*CLICK* Now give me love *CLICK* Good give me Tipsy..ooooo, good good! *CLICK* Gimme drunk *CLICK*...Ok, lets take the rest of the pictures of you beside the toilet bowl" ;) you little 151 guzzler.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 12, 1998 at 19:59:50 (PDT)


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 09:02:45 (PDT)

In regard to the photos from the Rakefest, I've been trying to figure out certain aspects of Einstein's Theory Of Relatives, namely; If an irresistible object- such as Luna- begins to move towards a computer to get on IRC on a frictionless Spring afternoon, with a notable absence of channel ops or ballistics experts, and no school tomorrow, by the time she has traveled half the distance to the computer, will she have already decided to keep the stained pants for evidence?

The parallel to be drawn from this is clear: postulate two identical dorm-sized refrigerators, A and A1, each containing a half-eaten container of cole slaw, a GI Joe with kung-fu grip, a rubber boot and a jar of mayonnaise.

For the purposes and uses of redundancy, a "control" fridge remains on a fixed locus- in this case, Tennessee- and fridge A1 is fired into space at an acceleration of twice the speed of candlelight at suppertime (but not so great a speed as to knock over the rubber boot), on what grounds could a person file suit against the fridge manufacturer, if- given Einstein's appalling table manners- the "sell by_ _ _" date on the cole slaw now indicates that it is 4.7x (y10) million years old, and Luna still has not returned the pants?

Thus, if SLi's deviant to Doc's Law; "(151)+60+9=U812!", and Einstein's theorum "E-MC hammered" are mathematically equivalent, are we just side-stepping the question which immediately arises- "where the fuck are my pants?"

I rest my case. Next, we will discuss why there is no such thing as "enough lasagna".

A Butter Patty from: joey
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 10:45:56 (PDT)

cooooooookie, pickles-blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 11:42:42 (PDT)

Uhhh Ed....... honey I think the wife has fixed ya one too many haggis burritos there sweetie...
I guess I also need to defend Luna...where as she was plastered....she was by no means the only one! I guess its my duty to inform you all that Scott, when he wasnt holding the broom against the bathroom door, was holdin a full time job leaning against the wall between the living room and kitchen half slumped over and glassy eyed...thus the pants incident...giggles, and Sharky was fullfilling her life long dream of doing porno color announcing by telling the entire RakeFest clan about the placement of heads and hands...
I also recieved a call from Hectors Four Seasons today...(like we havent beat this joke into the damn ground) the hair clog was finally removed in room 34, but alas four brave souls from Roto-Rooter are on permanent disablity and one actually gave his life in the attempt...So it is today that I call for a moment of silence for Bubba-Joe Johnson loyal Roto-Rooter employee, friend, husband, and father. Who succumbed to his injuries after 4 days in intensive care. His dying words are rumored to have been "Who the hell was showering in here? Chewbacca??? Oh Dear God its ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The greater Clarksville community is mourning the loss of a true hero.

A Butter Patty from:
onThursday, August 13, 1998 at 15:15:49 (PDT)

Okay, before we get too far off the subject here, I'd better put in my $.02 regarding RakeFest '98. I've never been one for sloppy sentimentality, so I'll make sure my expression of gratitude is buried deep with the paragraph. There. Those of you who showed up are like my best friends in the whole world, forever. You'll never be rid of me. I'll stalk you all until... okay, sorry, got a little carried away there.
Anyway, I'd like to thank Luna for the Lunaball (mine has never been in a digestive tract, to my knowledge), Sharky for the funky chicken (he sits behind my shoulder during iVisit), Puffy for the Jell-O shooters, Dave for helping turn "Luna's Room" temporarily gay, Shock for pointing out the partially hidden feline posterior (I now presume most Tennesseeans spend their evenings sitting on the porch in rocking chairs saying "Whut's that, Earl?" "Ah think it's the cat's ass, Vern"), and Ezra for being one sexy he-man boy-toy. I'd also like to thank SLi for, uh, well, stuff I'd best not even describe here.
I'll never forget you guys. Or was that "I'll never forgive you guys"? Hell, I don't know. I was drunk at the time.


A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 15:40:08 (PDT)

okay enough with the mushy sentimentality...I have to vent!!!!!!!!
WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Evil Bitch Alert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay.....I leave out to go get Richie from the baby sitter this afternoon...only to find that one of my front tires is flat as a pancake. Being the hip 90s kinda chic I am I proceed to take the tire off...put my rubberband on a rim spare that Im sure the dealership over charged me for when I got the damn car (but I digress)on the car. I handle this process in might I add not to bad a timeframe, considering I am using the shitty jack that also came with the car at the time of purchase... and dont even break a nail in the process.
When the rubberband was safely in place and as I was placing the jack and the flat tire in the trunk my ever observant neighbor...a G.I. (go figure) pulls up and asks
"Hey you have a flat tire or something?" After what I am sure would have gone down in the Hall of Fame of "No Shit Sherlock" looks I respond with "No I just like to take the good tires off every once in a while and drive with this damn spare on...makes me look you know...hip."
The Moral of this story....
MEN, when we look like we have it under control and your stupid, shit wit comments, and "ops, guess I got here just in time to do nothing" looks dont look like they are going to help the situation just spare us the added breath it requires us to degrade you into the pitiful dipshits you are and walk into your homes or where ever you are headed and shut the fuck up....
WOW I feel much better now....
Love Ya

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 17:46:59 (PDT)

Well, that does it. I'm never joining the Army.

A Butter Patty from: Sharky
on Thursday, August 13, 1998 at 19:34:32 (PDT)

Well well well... what can I say about RAKEfest?!?!?!? Beats the hell outta me, I was drunk so I have no idea what to say!!!!!! All the men were gorgeous and the women sexy.. the beer was cold, the food was hot (or if it wasnt I didnt care) and the cam was on full blast with nudity!!!! I wanna go back!!! Thanks for a GREAT time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My house next time :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 14, 1998 at 12:25:23 (PDT)


Is it just me or has SLi really been bagging on men since Doc entered her life? I mean first I heard the in-channel comments last evening, then I read the poor army guy getting ripped into on the churn. This has to end, before I start defending male kind and ripping in the opposite direction. God only knows that women are just as easily targeted as the men in the world. So back off SLi- go shopping or bake cookies or something, man!!!

On a less serious note......who blew up the Amish embassy to Botswana??? I want answers!!!! My sources point at someont in THIS room!!! So pony up before I have to get mediebal on all of you!!!!!



A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 11:01:02 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Just a fair warning to everyone involved....
Sunday is the day I was suppose to marry. I refuse to be sober from here till Monday. Anything I say or do can not be held against me. Im pretty sure those are the Pity Party rules.

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 13:12:57 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

She loses arguments with inanimate objects.
She has to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Her job interferes with her drinking.
Her doctor finds traces of blood in her alcohol stream.
Her career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
The back of her head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
She sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
She can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while she was in the bar.
Every person she sees has an exact twin
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
At AA meeting she begins with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
She doesn't recognise friends unless seen through bottom of glass

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 15, 1998 at 13:20:09 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.


Things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half.
See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
Finally find that damned G-Spot!

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 09:15:51 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.



A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 12:02:09 (PDT)

Ok ok..who mailed Scotty's pants to me?

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 16:43:02 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Ummm... Would you care to explain how you know they're Scotty's pants? If they are indeed his, I'd say it's safe to say that HE was the one that mailed them. By the way, what kind of twisted thing do you two have going anyway!!!

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 16, 1998 at 23:30:20 (PDT)

I'd like to know who sent them to miss gru as well.
It's getting awful freakin drafty around here anymore.

BTW Ez, she knew they were mine because my mommy sewed my name and address in the seat of them just in case something like this happened. (Good ole mom, thinking ahead like that)

Miss Gru,
Please return them to the address sewn inside them, postage guarenteed(sp)


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 17, 1998 at 20:23:46 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.


12 "Let's speed this up-who *haven't* you nailed?"

11 "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?"

10 "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty all?"

9 "Can I have some of those fries?"

8 "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?"

7 "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!

6 "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?"

5 "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?"

4 "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?"

3"Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?"

2 "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?"

1 "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 17, 1998 at 22:32:22 (PDT)

Ezra lives for the churn! :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 17, 1998 at 23:13:23 (PDT)


So THAT'S where my pants went!!!


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 14:19:53 (PDT)
You should look at thisweb page.

Pizza Icon Released From Khmer Rouge Prison Camp

Phnom Penh (AP) Former Domino's Pizza icon and spokescharacter, The Noid, was released from captivity today near the Cambodian town of Krong Kaoh Kong where he had been imprisoned for 11 years in a Khmer Rouge prison camp. No official reason was given for the release, but it is believed to be connected with the recent death of Khmer Rouge leader and former Cambodian head Pol Pot. Sources in the Cambodian government suggest that The Noid's imprisonment was solely the result of a personal dispute between Pot and The Noid.

The Noid, now credited with starting the trend of "extreme" behavior among fast food media constructs, first appeared in a controversial episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood which was only aired once by PBS television, and then destroyed after scores of complaints from angry parents. Soon after that, The Noid, scored a commercial coup by signing a benchmark contract with Domino's Pizza in 1985, followed by a very popular ad campaign featuring the slogan "Avoid The Noid".

Pol Pot, known primarily for ordering the murder of over 2 million Cambodians during what has become known as "the killing fields", reportedly ordered a Domino's pizza for delivery in late 1986. When the pizza, ordered with olives, extra cheese, and onions, did not arrive in 30 minutes or less, Pot is believed to have ordered a Khmer Rouge death squad to track down The Noid. The Noid's highly publicized disappearance from North American culture in early 1987 is now believed to be the result of that squad's abduction and subsequent imprisonment of the immensely popular pizza icon, resulting in the discontinuation of Domino's "Avoid The Noid" ad campaign.

No statement has been issued by The Noid, following his release, but local witnesses report that he appeared "in good spirits, [but] very scrawny and malnourished." There is also no word on when The Noid may return to television culture. Domino's Pizza, in a statement issued shortly after The Noid's release indicated that "while [Domino's] is elated that The Noid has finally been returned to the free world, [we] do not foresee a need for a wacky character with inexplicable ears and a knack for hilarious mishaps in [our] television commericals at this time."

(thanks sker)

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 21:13:02 (PDT)

Dear Amish brethren,
Hollywood has come knocking on our barn door. A real nice fella by the name of Nik would like to make Amish Rake Fighting a well-known phrase. Nik works for a TV show called ActionTV which starts next month on the Fox Family Channel (yes, Rupert Murdoch bought the Family Channel and this is the sort of thing he's putting on it).
After the exchange of e-mails below, I called Nik and we talked about Amish Rake Fighting. He has plans to pitch the idea to his boss tomorrow, and will let us know if we are to become famous in the near future.

Read on:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 19:10:50 -0700
From: nik venet
Subject: Amish Rake Fighting

I work for a new television show called Action TV. We're set to on air in mid September. I'm very interested in producing a segment on Amish Rake Fighting.

e-mail me back, or give me a call and let me know what you think

Nik Venet

Hi Nik,
Billy ( forwarded your letter to me because I am founder of a chat channel on the Dalnet named Amish Rake Fight. About all I can tell you, other than to direct you to our website at, is that I stole the name from a band that probably no longer exists. I've had the domain for about two years, and the channel has been around just a little longer than that.

Let me know if there's anything else you want to know.


Well, I realized that you guys probably weren't Amish as you seem to all be on the net, but, I thought you might be interested in maybe pretending that it was a sport that you really performed.

What do you think?

Anything for TV, Nik.

Actually, we DO pretend to rake fight in our little chat channel on some
occasions. Usually with some ignorant newbie who thinks he's the first one to
figure out that the Amish don't use computers. I would be happy to show you my
UltraRake 2000 with three targeting radars, one based on the Global
Positioning Satellite system, and many handy weapon and appliance attachments
based on recent military technology.

Anyway, when it comes to TV, I think I speak for most of the channel when I
say "We'll do anything, just name it."


Now we're talking. All we need for Amish rake fighting is a some beards, tailed suits, a barn to shoot near, and a couple of rakes.
Let's do it.
Can you call me, this evening or tomorrow, so we can talk some more?

Nik Venet

(My apologies to Nik for posting his e-mail.)

I'll post again when I hear from Nik.


A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 21:20:13 (PDT)

Im ready for my close up Mr Forrester....giggles

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 18, 1998 at 21:24:04 (PDT)

Please, oh please...let me be the one to churn the butter in front of the cameras.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 07:09:02 (PDT)

Hey... do I hear a FREE rake fest 2 coming on? get the tv type guy to fly us all out to Intercourse PA for "the shoot" :o) and hey... I have a beard already! I was MADE for the part.. heh... so anywho... how have you fine folks been lately? I havn't talked to any of you in a while... i think i'll have to make an effort to get back in there sometime soon. well... back to werk for me... c u folks soon


A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 07:23:10 (PDT)

Someone re-fresh my memory...who is Billy?????
you better get your ass back in the barn!
Tell the girlfriend you have to come up for air or something
Smooches All...Im off to have my civil rights violated by being forced to pee in a cup.
Hugs and Kisses
Her Postal SLi-ness

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 19, 1998 at 09:32:43 (PDT)

I have a question concerning the TV show: Are goats involved??

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 21, 1998 at 01:57:21 (PDT)

well...only in Hempy's scene but we arent gonna show that to the general public..that will be on the video release "Amish too hot for TV"
we also plan to include Oggies table dancing, Sharky and NiteRaven nekkid grape eating scenes and we intend to get Geraldo to look into the whole S}{0CK missing pants ordeal.
19.95 (plus 7.50 shipping and handling)
call 1-800-NEKID-AMISH operators are standing by, have your credit card ready...and as a free bonus youll also get "RakeFest 98 Bloopers" and the companion book "Jello Shooters Etiqutte" by luna and sharky and the "Guide to finding the 18.00 a nite motel" by Dave (a portion of the proceeds will go to the Bubba-Joe Johnson memorial roto-rooters widows fund)
Sorry no CODs

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 21, 1998 at 11:50:19 (PDT)

Screw you guys, I'm going Home!!!!

I sold my scene to the WB already, and it will be airing on the WB this fall on an episode of Sister, Sister. The episodes concerns a switch of genetically created goats, and how it effects the twins!!! Stay tuned!


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 21, 1998 at 12:51:03 (PDT)

I want to get thrown out for putting like 40 pounds of pine tar on my rake fighting handle.. And maybe have Fract produce a stained dress or something at my hearing at the rake fighting action leauge.. Yeah... That would be groovy..

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 21, 1998 at 17:09:30 (PDT)

Hello Happy and or Horny Campers ~~~~I'M BACK!!!!!!!! from the living dead, Umm and my Point is? ;)


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 21, 1998 at 20:02:10 (PDT)

Dang.... How did I get this winklehawk in my dress?!?!

A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 00:12:50 (PDT)

Yeah JUST what the world needs; for the barn to get MORE exposure in the real world. Could you imagine if there were to be a tv spin off? I am terribly afraid. I have visions of Doc talking FOREVER about the beginnings of ARF and how he dreamed of starting a channel as a lad, and Sli standing beside him, repeating "Ummm..I just met him" over and over. Johno would use it as a way to coherse 16 year old girls into calling him, and Luna would stand at the back holding a tray, trying to sell goatmilk fudge. Heh, and Scotty would stand in front of her with a 900 number, all breathy, saying "Hi..I'm barely 18". The ANARCHY! I don't know if the world is ready for ARF. And anyways, none of us could be filmed because Ezra would always be hogging the spotlight."Is my hair ok? Don't you just love my pectoral muscles?..Who told you I was married?" lol . Ummmm....maybe I shouldn't post this one which one is the erase button.....oh, there it is

A Butter Patty from: Gruever
on Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 00:14:15 (PDT)


A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 00:18:37 (PDT)

I think i want to make out with someone on the TV show, any volunteers?


A Butter Patty from: EdZeppelin
on Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 00:27:38 (PDT)

There is rioting in Africa, They're starving in Spain,
There's hurricanes in Florida, and Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls,
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles,
South Africans hate Yugoslavs, the Swedes hate the Dutch,
And we don't like anybody very much.

But we should be thankful, and frankly quite proud,
Man's been endowed with the mushroom-shaped cloud,
And we can be certain that some lucky day,
Some bastard will push a button... and we will all be blown away.

There is rioting in Africa, there's strife in Iran,
What nature doesn't do to us, will be done by our fellow man.

(from an old Bud & Travis album I had as a kid)

A Butter Patty from:
on Saturday, August 22, 1998 at 19:14:16 (PDT)

Lets seeeeeeeee. I didn't really want anything. I just wanted to show my jpg again. It makes this old lady happy :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Sunday, August 23, 1998 at 18:50:48 (PDT)

In reading the last few posts, particularly those pertaining to rake fighting, I notice the male dominating tone to the correspondence. Art thou prepared to accept this secondary role? If thou bashest us, do we not bleed? I call upon thee, my sisters. Take you butter paddle, rake, hoe (notice the "e"), or other device of choice and bash until thy voice be heard! We will be triumphant! HAIL TO THE PLAIN!!


P.S. Go sista friends :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 24, 1998 at 10:21:54 (PDT)

*sniff* :o( someone registered my nick... :o( *pout* *sniff* *sniff* have I truely been gone that long? what am I going to do? I am now forced to be BillyZZ... yes.. it is registered. *sniff*

*sigh* I feel soo nekkid without my nick. this SUX! man.. talk about ruining my day!

soo.... if anyone knows who:
-NickServ- *** BillyZ is Excell v1.0b2 scripted by Lo`Tek
-NickServ- Last seen address:



A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 24, 1998 at 11:18:45 (PDT)

Well Billy from the looks of the addy he is in Chattanooga...about 3 hours from here....if you make it worth my while...I might just make a road trip and take care of that situation for ya...

A Butter Patty from:
on Tuesday, August 25, 1998 at 12:20:26 (PDT)

poor billyz.... oops i mean billyzz *sniff*
sorry bout your misfortune
that is all.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 00:44:07 (PDT)

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't

2. Caught "churning butter" alone in the bathroom.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 13:59:27 (PDT)

Hey Billy! you can use my old nick "netlesbian"! I hardly use it anymore :)

A Butter Patty from:
on Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 19:52:39 (PDT)

In honor of Sli's last post and....

Happy Birthday




A Butter Patty from: ass-tro
on Wednesday, August 26, 1998 at 23:58:16 (PDT)

oooo! oooo!!! i got a STAR!!! :)

A Butter Patty from: The Amish Bard
on Thursday, August 27, 1998 at 00:19:12 (PDT)

wherever men are gathered, hunkered over fires in the wilderness, talking quietly about great big tits, they will doff their hats and a tear will spring to their eyes at the mention of thelma and louise

A Butter Patty from:
on Thursday, August 27, 1998 at 21:47:45 (PDT)


Where for art thou??


A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 28, 1998 at 15:54:29 (PDT)

/me jumps!

A Butter Patty from:
on Friday, August 28, 1998 at 20:55:41 (PDT)

Today...I watched an ant climb a blade of grass. He would crawl to the tip top of the blade and then once there the weight of his body would cause the blade of grass to bend over and he would then nimbly twist his body to the next blade of grass and repeat the process all the way across the lawn.
The idea that he was traveling as high as he was far amused me...

Then I had an epiphany, a true, clear, bright thought as I crouched there on my hands and knees in the yard

I really got to stop drinking before Noon!

A Butter Patty from: Amish Recovery Federation©
on Sunday, August 30, 1998 at 22:19:30 (PDT)

* * * MISSING * * *

Reward of $4.87


Known Aliases: zazz, xaxx, steph, stephypooh, miss steph

Anyone with knowledge of her where abouts, contact your local chapter of the Amish Recovery Federation© (A.R.F.)immediately. This young woman has been missing for some time now and is missed by her peers. Any information helping to return her to the IRC world will be rewarded with $4.87 payed in yearly incriments of .02˘ a year until the time of full completion of the debt.


A Butter Patty from:
on Monday, August 31, 1998 at 01:13:22 (PDT)

miss stephy come home

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